We Watched 50 Shades of Grey So You Don’t Have To (Spoilers)

Claire and I hold the belief that if you want to mock something, you must have read/watched/played it first. It’s why she’s read all the Twilight books and why I (attempted) to watch the movie. With this in mind, we poured some bourbon on Friday night and watched the 50 Shades of Grey movie.

I have read the book, and was not a fan (I even found some alternatives for you), so I had a decent idea of what I was getting into. Claire had some idea after reading the coverage around the movie/book, but that only really scratches the surface.  The following is a mix of tweets and offhand comments that didn’t quite make it to Twitter, that could do better than any review I could write. And obviously, spoilers.

The Opening Scenes

Both of us: “Nope.” (Upon hearing Annie Lennox’s version of “I Put A Spell On You.” That may be because I’m just really not an Annie Lennox fan.)

Claire: This movie would be much better with Bette Midler. (Required link to Bette Midler singing “I Put A Spell On You” in Hocus Pocus.)

Claire: His company is seriously called “Grey House?” How did this get published?

Me: “A giant closet and still no jacket that fits?” (Seriously, are we supposed to believe a billionaire control freak CEO is walking around in a jacket where the button pulls?)

Claire: Don’t ruin Jane Austen for me.

Claire: Anastasia Steele is a disgrace to all English majors. And the English language. And anyone with an English heritage.

Claire: Is the entire interview innuendo?

Me: Can we take a minute to acknowledge she raided Amy Farrah Fowler’s wardrobe?
Claire: I keep waiting for a leather crossbody.
Me: *looks over at my leather crossbody*
Claire: It’s OK, I have the Penny dress.

Claire: Oh look, they even have a Jacob!

“I’d suggest drinking every time you would throat punch Grey but you’d die of alcohol poisoning.” – A tweet from @NinkasiDolley when she realized what we were doing.

When he shows up at her work


Claire: All I hear when Grey talks is “Cardigan.” You’re wearing a cardigan.

Me: Cable ties? That’s not safe.

Me: I’d like to file a restraining order.” Movie over. #HowFSOGShouldHaveGone

Me: “When a guy says he’s a bad guy and you should stay away from him, that doesn’t mean try harder.”
Claire: But then how are you going to change him?

From the bar to his hotel room

Me: Are we supposed to believe she got into the bar wearing a t-shirt and jeans?
Claire: There’s no way the bouncer would let her in.
Me: Maybe he was distracted by Kate’s boobs?
Claire: I can’t decide if I’m the one with the boobs or the one in the t-shirt.
Me: I’m the one in the t-shirt. You have the Penny dress.

Me: BAD FRIEND! You don’t let your drunk friend go home with the creepy stalker.

Me: Anastasia can’t hold her liquor. But when she’s drunk is the only time she’s tolerable.

Claire: Dakota Johnson really isn’t a bad actress, she just has a bad script.

Claire: You should never eat/drink things that look like they’re from Wonderland.

Claire: Why don’t I believe him when he says necrophilia isn’t his thing?

At his apartment, and then back to hers

Me: FAA laws don’t apply to Christen Grey.

Claire: Because every good relationship being with a non-disclosure agreement.
Me: As long as I don’t have to sign a non-compete.

Claire: Does he always carry a key to the sex room with him?

Me: I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t have half the things in this room, and doesn’t know how to use them.

Me: Hey Grey, there’s a difference between a sadist and a dominant. You’re just a sadist.

Me: You know he’s a cock, he has a garage full of Audi’s.

Me: If someone can fall asleep in your R8, you’re not driving your R8 correctly. (Followed by ranting about how he’s driving, where he’s driving, and leaving the car by the side of the road.)

Claire: What kind of student doesn’t have a computer during finals week?!?
Me: In the book she doesn’t have a computer at all. Or an email address.
Claire: …but you get one when you enroll!

Claire: Oh no big deal, just the sex contract I keep in all my cars.

Research, negotiation, and play

Claire: Don’t Google that. You will regret it.

Claire: Has anyone else noticed that Anastasia and Christian and basically Sheldon and Amy?
Me: Don’t insult Shamy like that!

Claire: I can’t tell if I’m watching Fifty Shades Of Grey, or the pornographic version of You’ve Got Mail.

Me: Adding a bunch of stupid stuff to the contract, to make her feel like she’s getting something.

Claire: (As Christen is “reading Anna’s body language.”) This sounds like every excuse for raping someone ever.

Me: Wait, didn’t she say no to suspension?

Me: Just a reminder, she still hasn’t signed that contract.

Me: Grey has no technique. #ItsAllInTheWrist

Me: Hitting her hand with that thing is going to hurt.
Claire: Wait, did he just hit her ribs?
Me: And her hip bone?!?

Claire: Don’t tie around her thumbs! That’s a bad idea!
Me: He’s tying her to the bed by her thumbs? He’s going to break them!

Me: This is even creepier in the book because she’s thinking “I don’t want this, please make it stop.”

Claire: This is actually worse than Twilight.

All the rest of it…

Me: Has anyone told Anna her stepdad is a Cylon?
The appearance of Callum Keith Rennie made me think of some pretty awesome headcanon where the relationship between Anna and Christian is a failed Cylon plot. Think the beta version of Baltar and Six. Or some way of Cylon brain-washing.

Claire:I’ll drink as many cosmos as I want. #idowhatiwant #yourenotthebossofme

Me: If your daughter has the reaction of “Oh fuck, he’s here” and you leave her alone with him, you’re doing it wrong.

Claire: Wait, he can fly a helicopter put not a plane?

*Long discussion about the glider, and how it lands and things of that nature, because this movie is dull.*

Me: Oh they skipped the fun part where he hires her gynecologist, and the exam is done in his house.

Movie: “Because I’m 50 shades of fucked up.”
Me: Ah! They did the thing.

And the ending….

Ok this part I’m going to actually write about. Because when I read the book, I didn’t get how completely awful this was. Maybe I was too distracted hearing “oh my” in George Takei’s voice. Maybe Anna’s inner goddess was doing her best Ashlee Simpson jig. Maybe E.L. James just can’t write and the scene isn’t as powerful. But in the movie, you see how messed up their “relationship” is. See, Anna wants to know “how bad it can get.” So she asks Christian to show her. He hits her six times with a belt. And she’s crying the entire time. Not a “I’m really a masochist and this sort of pain is a release to me” sort of cry. More of a “please stop it, you’re hurting me and I don’t like it” of cry. There’s a part where he hesitates, and thinks about stopping, but keeps going. No. You stop. If you as a top thinks a scene is going wrong, you can stop. Afterwards she runs from the room, and goes to cry in the room he’s given her as her own. Probably because she’s too embarrassed to go home because she hates what happened to her but she technically “asked for it.” The movie ends with her leaving him.

But we know there are two more books (which means 3 more movies). And while I don’t doubt this ends with everyone being happy and living happily ever after, that’s not even close to reality. The reality is this is a series about abuse. Drunk Anna gets this at the beginning of the movie, where she describes his behavior as “stay away from me. now come here.” If there was any a doubt that this movie isn’t about a BDSM relationship and is actually about glorifying abuse, the ending of the first installment clears it up. This is a series about an abuse relationship.

Just a reminder to make sure you’re following @Pure_Geekery, @PurelyNicole, and @PurelyClaire so you don’t miss these impromptu film screenings in the future. (Magic Mike will be happening at some point.) Oh, and make sure to send all your Sharknado stuff to @PurelyRyan.

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