Responding To: Marriage Isn’t For You

Were you on the internet last week? Then you likely saw Seth Adam Smith’s blog post “Marriage Isn’t for You.” And the Wayne Self’s response, “Young Singles, Seth Adam Smith’s Marriage Advice Isn’t for You” describing Smith’s post as “spreading across the Internet like low-fat mayo over Wonder Bread.” Brilliant simile, and ouch. It seems everyone has an opinion on what this post does and does not mean, including myself. And since I had $10 for a domain name you get to hear mine as well.

Responding to the Criticisms

Self’s post eloquently details the issues I’ve seen people raise with Smith’s post. They are well stated, but I must respectfully disagree.

1) The “But He’s Mormon” Argument – From the beginning Self says he can’t marry his best friend and it’s people like Smith’s fault because he’s Mormon. Whatever. I don’t know Smith’s views on gay marriage, and I don’t think his post is exclusive to straight marriage. (And I hate I have to qualify both of these. It’s just marriage.) I’ve also seen arguments about Smith making “all his wives” happy, and so on and so forth. Listen, he doesn’t bring up religion in the post in question. And frankly I don’t care what his is.

2) The “But I Don’t Want Children” Argument – Let’s get one thing clear before I get started. My husband and I are childfree. And our future children play a very important part in our marriage, the lack of them it is. Being on the same page for a major lifestyle decision is crucial for a happy marriage.  I don’t think Smith is saying “marriage is for the children.” He’s saying children are an important part of marriage. And they are, even if you’re not having them.

3) The “This is Genderist” Argument – This is the argument that bothers me the most. People argue that this post is genderist (and if you haven’t heard Joss Whedon’s speech on why we should use genderist, watch it). Of course Smith is going to write his perspective as a white male in a straight relationship. He’s a white male in a straight relationship. That’d be like saying we write too much from the geeky female perspective. This post appeared on his personal blog. He’s not claiming to be a marriage expert. He’s just telling his story (hey, that sounds familiar…). He’s not saying women can love naturally and men have to be drug to the alter. He’s saying in his marriage he realized he wasn’t loving his wife the way he should.

4) The “Marriage is About Two People, Not Families” Argument – If you believe this, then you’re dense. Even if the families hate each other. Even if they’re not around. Even if they’re not supportive. They matter. You are entering into a relationship with them. You have chosen to stand together and get through that.

My Thoughts

As a culture, we are selfish. And you know what, that’s not always a bad thing. But when you’re supposed to be partners with someone, you have to give that up. You have to attempt to be selfless in your love. I say attempt because that is of course something that isn’t possible. You do things you don’t want to do, or like to do, because it makes the other person happy. Because you made their day a little easier. Does anyone ever reach this selfless ideal? Absolutely not. We’re human. We make mistakes. But it’s the intention, and the awareness, to reach this goal that makes all the difference.

And if nothing else, Smith’s advice on marriage and relationships is getting us talking about what marriage means in society today. It’s getting us to talk to our friends, our peers, our spouses, and our partners. Opening channels of communication is never not helpful.